No David! A page-by-page rebuttal

David’s mom always said No David.

David’s mom was a total bitch.

No David don’t reach for the cookies so high on the shelf they’ll surely fall. The precious ceramic jar that means more to us than you do might break and then we won’t have a fragile vessel that taunts you with the promise of chocolate morsels anymore.

No David don’t track mud through the house. Don’t you know that young children should have better sense than that? What do you think the welcome mat’s for? I know I didn’t come when you called me but you really should be more patient. Really. Come on.

No David don’t let the bathtub overflow! I know I did a really stupid thing leaving you alone in the tub and all...but really someone had to clean the mud off the rug and the longer I left it the harder it would have been to do. So even though I know I shouldn’t have left you in the tub alone--because I’m remembering now that that’s, like, rule number one for a mom, you should have better sense than that because now I feel guilty. How hard would it have been to have kept an eye on the water level?

OK do come back please. We all know that suburban streets are like pedophile city--in fact all this safe-feeling sidewalk and front yard business is like candy for child predators. And even though I’m sure that new guy down the block is a decent guy, he seems like such a great neighbor and all, always keeping to himself-- playing video games and tinkering in his garage...you really should get back here. And get some clothes on.

Be quiet David--stop banging on the frying pan. I get that it’s a great cause and effect gig for you but it’s a teflon pan and once the black stuff starts to flake off I’ll be poisoning all of us when I cook and then I’ll have to feel guilty about that too.

Don’t play with your food David! Even though you’re a creative guy doing very clever things and if I could help you channel it we’d all be so well off--it exhausts me to see you lose focus like that.

And about the showing us your food while you chew it? That’s enough David--but wait, what’s that?--string beans, carrots, broccoli, chicken...is that a lima bean?--that’s a mighty healthy mouthful--so sorry, please carry on. I should pick my battles more carefully. Speaking of which...

Go to your room David!--Even though the superhero show is on. The one thing you could have talked about with the other kids tomorrow at school, I know. But it might give you violent tendencies--it might teach you to be impatient, to shout a lot, it might make you less tolerant. So get to your room goddammit. Go sit in there alone and develop a great personality.

Settle down! Stop jumping on soft things. At this point I’m sort of just yelling for the sake of yelling. I’m in a trap. But it’s a grown-up job to stop kids from jumping on beds. See what that superhero show made you do?

And stop picking your nose David! Even though your finger fits so perfectly in that hole and even though you’re not hurting anything right now and you’re being sorta quiet, it grosses me out and the other moms will surely talk about me if they see you doing that.

Yes David--come here and hug me. Make me feel good about myself. I’m the only mama you’ll ever have and you need me. You really need me. Yes David, love me unconditionally. Good David. Good boy.